The Couples Institute Counseling Services

I’ve discussed how many of the differences associated with autism —and often ADHD as well—connect back to executive function: the brain processes that help us organize, remember, shift attention, and manage tasks. Understanding and having compassion for these differences can go a long way toward reducing misunderstanding and frustration, especially in close relationships. But insight alone isn’t always enough. The next step is figuring out how to work with these brain differences in everyday life. In this last article, we’ll look at some practical supports and strategies that can make executive function challenges easier to manage, helping create systems that work with the brain rather than constantly fighting against it. Since executive function is the common thread tying together these two conditions, I will mention at least a few supports that can be helpful. There are many possible interventions to help ADHDers and people with autism get along in a neurotypical world and/or with a...

  What do Timothy Leary and Couples Therapy Have in Common? Remember the old saying “Turn on, tune in and drop out” by the Harvard Psychology Professor and counterculture figure Timothy Leary? It may have been a prescription for hippies in the 60’s, but there’s a deeper message behind it and one that’s actually applicable to mending relationships.  Hear me out on this. With the recent resurgence in psychedelic therapy, perhaps it’s prudent to revisit the underlying meaning for the movement derived from one of the original psychonauts. Here is Mr. Leary’s explanation of the famous phrase: “”Turn on” meant go within to activate your neural and genetic equipment. Become sensitive to the many and various levels of consciousness and the specific triggers engaging them. Drugs were one way to accomplish this end. “Tune in” meant to interact harmoniously with the world around you—externalize, materialize, express your new internal perspectives. “Drop out” suggested an active, selectiv...

  Autism and ADHD have both been noted in the popular press for increases in prevalence over the last number of decades. If you have read about these increases in reputable sources, you will know that the numbers have gone up primarily through more awareness, destigmatization, and changes in diagnostic criteria, rather than environmental causes such as the thoroughly-debunked vaccination theory. However, given that autism especially has been getting increased attention, and ADHD is often misunderstood, I thought it would be helpful to clarify both conditions and their interrelationships. I will be drawing on my experience and study as a neuropsychologist and therapist, having worked with many people on these spectrums. ADHD and autism are simultaneously over- and under-diagnosed in the general population. While there are lots of reasons, I’ll just offer a couple of examples. One example of overdiagnosis for ADHD is that boys who are the youngest in their school class tend to be ove...

The process of finding a therapist is no easy task! This is even more the case when clients belong to minority groups or are different from other people for various reasons. “Different.” That word that distinguishes someone from someone else isn’t always positive. While finding the right therapist is difficult for anyone, it can especially be true for people who identify as LGBTQIA+. Most people are aware that in order to get the most out of therapy it involves being very open, remaining honest, and exploring different aspects of yourself. This can seem an even more daunting task for someone who identifies as LGBTQIA+ because there can be an added layer of concern while sitting across from a therapist. Some common thoughts that LGBTQIA+ clients may have in the beginning of therapy may be: “Will I have to educate my therapist on certain aspects of LGBTQIA+ life and identity?” “How will they feel doing couples therapy with me and my partner?” “Are they going to judge or see me negatively...

Selfies galore and seeking affirmation via social media, it seems the whole world is suffering from narcissistic behavior. However, being self-motivated, self-focused or even putting yourself first doesn’t make you a narcissist. Narcissism is a very particular set of traits that create the definable personality disorder. For people who are in relationships with a narcissist (be it a spouse, parent or even child) life can be incredibly confusing. The narcissistic personality seeks out a particular type of partner (or victim we could say in some cases) with or without cognitive awareness. They are looking for an empathetic personality who they can manipulate via their bleeding heart-save-the-world style of tackling problems. Co-dependents and Borderline personalities make great targets for the narcissist who needs constant affirmation. For those in a relationship with a narcissist they will experience things such as gaslighting (minimizing of personal experience or perception of events),...

When trust is broken in a relationship, both people play a role in rebuilding it. But they play very different roles —and when those roles aren’t clear, couples get stuck. For the person who broke the trust Rebuilding trust starts with transparency—complete and ongoing transparency. Not selectively sharing, not “when it’s convenient,” but a consistent openness that allows your partner to feel grounded again. Second, you need to manage your own shame and guilt. When your partner brings up the hurt, it’s common to feel overwhelmed, defensive, or ashamed. But if those emotions take over, you may shut down, minimize, or dismiss—recreating the very disconnection you’re trying to repair. Third, understand this: When your partner brings it up, it does not mean you’re going backwards. It often feels that way. But when the conversation is handled productively, each time the topic is revisited, it’s actually an opportunity for healing and repair. Finally, consistency is everything. You don’t e...

  One of the biggest reasons couples get stuck in conflict is this: They treat subjective experience as if it were objective truth. Objective truth is factual. It’s observable. It can be verified. Examples: “You got home at 7:30.” “We had this conversation yesterday.” Subjective truth , on the other hand, is personal. It’s your: feelings interpretations meanings Examples: “I felt ignored when you came home and didn’t greet me.” “It felt like I didn’t matter in that moment.” Here’s where couples get into trouble. One partner shares something subjective: “I felt hurt.” And the other responds as if it’s an objective claim: “That’s not true.” “I didn’t ignore you.” “You’re overreacting.” Now the conversation shifts. Instead of understanding the experience, it becomes: debating reality This creates a loop: One person tries to express how something felt The other tries to prove what actually happened Both feel misunderstood And nothing gets resolved. Because here’s the truth: A couple c...